Funny Jokes!!

what in between the polar bears legs


guess come on try harder


fine i will tell you

snowballs!!!! lol ^_

um...
Blonde walks into a bank
goes, i'mn going on holiday and I wanna borrow £500 from ya
so the guy goes, ok but how will we know u'll return it?
Blonde: I'll give ya me car for the holiday
she gives him a set of keys, takes the money and leaves
the bank guy says to his assistant, go get the car
so the assistant goes, finds a really fancy, expensive car parked outside
he drives it into the bank's private parking.
After a few weeks the blonde comes back, pays back the money with £15 interest
Bank guy: why did u leave a £50,000 or something car here if u only wanted like £500
Blonde: Well where da fuk else r u gonna find a safe parking space in London for only fifteen quid?

ya it's not that funny
DON'T Judge me by my awkward sense of humor!!!

Three Men Die on Christmas day
They go to the Gates and St.Peter says, sorry guys, but you ain't been holy enough to go to heaven. tell you what, if u show me something really christmassy i'll let you in.
So the first guy pulls out his lighter and says, 'look Pete, it's a candle!!!'
St.Peter agrees and lets him through
The second guy pulls out his keys, jingles them and goes, 'Looky here, boy! Jingle Bells!' St.Peter Agrees and let's him through
The third man frantically searches his pockets and finally pulls out a pair of hot-pink panties.
St.Peter goes, 'yeah and what have THEY got to do with Christmas?'
Man: Well..... They're Carrol's

There's a blonde, redhead and a brunette and they decided to go hunting. The brunette went out and came back with a deer. Everyone asked how she got it so she said, I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I got a deer. Then the redhead went out and came back with an elephant. Everyone asked how she got it so she said, I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I got an elephant. So the blonde saw what was going on and left. When she came back she looked pretty beat up. Everyone asked what happened and she said, I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I got hit by a train.

A man walks into a hamburger joint and orders a hamburger with fries. Five minutes later the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and he notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on in the kitchen!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his dismay, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."


Guess how he makes the holes? LOL

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to issue you a ticket, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh im sorry officer, I'll let my husband Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish woman.

"That's fine. One more thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later in the day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the woman.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake.."

A mother was making lunch in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went into the other room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for Two Hours!. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the boy added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the Two Hour delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Bob and Samson were talking one afternoon when Bob tells Samson, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Kate got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Kate got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Kate didn't get pregnant again."

Samson asks Bob, "So, what ya gonna do this year that's different?"

Bob says, "This year I'm taking Kate with me."

A girl asked her new boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy was ecstatic, but he had never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" says the girl. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

OMG this is sooooo my fav ever!!! It Makes me LOL every time

Two guys are bungee jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know man, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks about it and agrees. The two men pool their money together and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They fly to Mexico and begin to set up at the town square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy decides to jump to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. The second guy tries to grab a hold of him and misses again. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken plate and starts to eat. Eating too fast she begins to choke on a chicken bone.

Billy and Buck, two country boys in the next table notice she is choking and go over to help her. Billy drops his overalls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Billy pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken plate and starts to eat. Eating too fast she begins to choke on a chicken bone.

Billy and Buck, two country boys in the next table notice she is choking and go over to help her. Billy drops his overalls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Billy pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."

oops sorry for posting same joke twice

Never before had Mary looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.

The box had been there for the past 15 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, her curiosity got the better of her and she decided to open the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

She opened the box and found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to her husband and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?"

He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box." Mary was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 15 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

"But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked.

"Well, every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but froze suddenly in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice bellowed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," replied the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Thomas," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Thomas?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the pitbull Jesus."

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter stared at the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that sank in 1912 after it crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let her through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer, "Name them."

A young Technician and his Manager board a train headed through the mountains headed to Denver.

They look and look but can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a short time it becomes obvious that the young woman and the young technician are interested in each other, they keep giving eachother looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the loud sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The Manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss that girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Manager all at the same time!"

A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in seventy cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.

She sets it on the ground, puts seventy more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out of the machine!

She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.

"There is a blind man here to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man finally interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"

I went to the super market the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him an idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I got really angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. But I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.